2 steps ahead and 1 step back is still a step ahead

hola mis amores;

I know I've been missing for so long. I finally am on my semester end break and I do plan on writing for a while. Hope you lovelies are doing fine!!

The title is what I read in either a pin, instagram post or a tumblr screenshot. Anyways this post is very personal to me and in a way I feel proud to share it because after all these years, I can finally talk about it without hurting.

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As a kid, I loved to dance. I come from a family where my maternal side is extremely into theater and the arts. My paternal side isn't that much but the streak does run through. My mother used to be a famed dancer in her times and was an instructor as well, so naturally I believe I inherited the liking towards it.

My dabble into dancing started from participating in school functions and doing little performances on there. I still remember dancing in a bright pink dress at my school's annual day when I was in SR. KG. I don't have the memory of how it went, but I believe I did good.

Next memories have been of attending summer camps for dancing. I remember walking to this place everyday with a skip in my step. I was happy to learn something new. I still remember the dance I has learnt there was to the famous song 'Chammak Challo'. It was pretty fun.

A few years later, I enrolled into Bharatnatyam classes. Now bear in mind, I didn't know the dance class I'd enrolled for was Bharatnatyam. I thought like the summer camps, it'd be contemporary or freestyle; so I was pretty stoked. When I realised it wasn't what I thought, I felt cheated. I asked my mother why she put me there, a few years later, and she said that I had agreed to it. I don't remember this conversation.

The only bright side? I used to go to drawing classes too and I simply adored my teacher. I still do. In a way I'm glad I met him. He's literally the sweetest soul on earth. I could talk a lot about him but this will then go off track.

The dance classes were on Monday and Thursday. I still hate both of those days.

The dance in itself wasn't bad, it was alright but I wasn't cut out for Indian classical dance. And I knew it. This was mainly because classical dances are very expressive and it requires one to show a lot of intricate facial expressions and I am bad at that. Even today, it's hard for me to even show what I am feeling on my face so you can imagine how bad I was at Bharatnatyam. I wasn't bad at the steps or anything but expressions is where I failed.

Bharatnatyam is a grueling dance form and to prepare us to do those steps, we had to do warm-up exercises. So imagine doing exercises for maybe 25 minutes and then dancing for remaining 35 minutes. By the end of these classes I felt completely worn out and naturally my body used to hurt from using unused muscles.

The teacher wasn't kind to me either. Mainly because I take a lot of time to grasp the sequence of steps. And the lack of emotions on my face. Every class i remember being picked out from the crowd and getting lectured on how I should try to improve. It's not like I didn't try. I practiced everyday so I got the sequence right, so I could know the chanting by-heart and even practice expressions in the mirror. But it was never enough.

Every class it was the same repeat. I never liked the dance form to begin with but then I began loathing it.

The worst part for me was the dressing up. Bharatnatyam needs you to have an elaborate costume, complete with heavy jewelry and makeup.

I've never been comfortable with heavy makeup or the blouse that we needed to wear as a costume. It exposed the midriff and as it is I was very insecure about my body. The whole costume that was supposed to make me look pretty made me feel ugly about myself.

We had holidays that coincided with school summer vacations. I remember pretending to be asleep because I did not want to attend these classes. I pretended to be sick and used to sit out of these classes. One time, I pretended to be asleep. it was my father who woke me up and I still pretended to be asleep. I did not want to go back. But my mother refused to listen to me when I said I didn't want to go. I told my father about how I did not want to continue anymore and he did promise to let me discontinue. I was the happiest person that day when I was in the class, because I knew I wasn't going to be there again.

But it did not happen.

It was also during this time, that my mother was sick and had a surgery, so naturally I missed school and these classes. It took me a lot to catch up and it was equally worse because the teacher kept giving me a hard time about it.

By now, my school knew that I took dance classes and I used to be sent to represent my school. They didn't have any options.

The dance sir from my school kept telling me how I was bad at it. I knew. I always knew.

He never gave up the chance to remind me how bad I did in his class at school. This was also the time I was being bullied for my acne and weight so all in all not pleasant situation.

In grade 8, I was playing the antagonist in the school play. Initially I wasn't in the final dance that involved all other characters (way to go, leave out the antagonist!). The principal, once she realised I wasn't a part instructed the sir to add me to it. This happened in a large room, where we used to practice. I remember as soon as the principal left, he blew up a storm. He complained and cursed about how he did not want me to dance because I would ruin all of the play. He then proceeded to storm out and slammed the door very loudly. I was there the whole time.

Since he was forced to add me, he gave me a very hard time in teaching me the routine. He kept storming out and complaining to the other teachers how I was useless. So yeah I ended up doing some basic movements.

As years went by, I moved up in the Bharatnatyam classes and ultimately had a new teacher. I admire her for her career and her talent. She's very good at what she does. But it was during this time I got told again and again how my face is the most emotionless one she's seen in her whole life. Imagine saying that to a 12 year old in front of others?

Whatever I did never seemed enough. Ironically there was another girl by the same name as me. She was a very good dancer. I got compared to her everyday.

This was around the same time as when I had changed schools and I used to attend these classes as soon as my school ended. For context, my school was an hour away.

I was always tired. Yet I wasn't allowed to stop these classes. I remember crying in the washrooms cause I was exhausted.

After a year of this, I could finally quit because I had to answer 10 board exams. That was the happiest I had been.

All in all, I've done 5 years of Bharatnatyam.

I was asked to join after a year, but then I had a knee surgery and the doctor ruled me out of any strenuous activity.

These incidents along with the genuine dislike for classical dance made me hate dancing. Any form of it. I swore of dancing so bad that I refused to even dance at parties and even in solitude.

But of late I've been dancing. It isn't much just small hook steps of famous bollywood songs. Or even just moving my waist and shoulders to the music.

It took me 4 years to be able to move on. To be able to lose my body to music. Dancing is therapeutic and helps in grounding the body and even relieving tension.

It's not a lot, but it's still a very big step for me. It feels freeing. Like I don't have those words tying me down anymore.

I have a lot of people to thank for this. Majorly my friend from college who's a very good dancer. Watching her makes me want to dance too. (you know who you are. if you're reading this ily<3)

It's true when they say for any child to truly grow you need supportive parents and teachers. I'm not equating this to not giving constructive criticism, constructive criticism is important. But people need to be mindful when the lines between constructive criticism and personal remarks.

You never know how your words will affect someone.

So please be kind.

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This took a lot for me to get out. These are things I've never told anyone but they've never been good to keep quiet about either.

Moving on for me is being able to talk about things that hurt.

Loads of love!

Until next time,

nidhi